I am sorry for whoever just tried to message me.... I walked away from the computer for a few min... but thanks for the complement, hope to talk to you again

next chapter of life... I hope

So I have done the community collage thing it was just dandy, but it really wasn’t what I wanted, so I have to decided to up and move away from everything I know and love to go to culinary school. Yep im doing what is never done in the town I am from. For one there is no way I would be able focus on school and only school. I don’t want to feel obligated to baby sit for my mom or sister. And I don’t want to hear all the small town drama. And get lectures from all my friends every time I want to stay home and study or skip a party. I hate to see it but I don’t see any of my friends getting out of our small town ( like I say this is something that is said but never done). This is horrible to say I must admit but its true. The truth is I don’t feel bad saying it nobody but Andrew and Cassidee are truly excited for me and they really are the only ones who believe that I will. Now people don’t have to be excited to believe in me but God would it kill them to lie to me and at least pretend like they are. Everyone is entitled to their option but lets all keep in mind the if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all. I mean is it really necessary to tell me that “you’ll never make it you will come running home to mommy” or “ ya right you will never do it” or my personal favorite “your just doing it for attention” and believe it or not I didn’t tell anyone about my plan until I started applying for schools for the simple fact, that I figured this is how people would react so for all the people who think that’s the reason its clearly not! Any ways on happier note, I am outrageously excited like to the point I want to cry from excitement every time I think about it. Then I turn around and think what if I don’t get in then what will I do. But I guess I will just work on one plan at a time; and if it fails then I will worry about a plan B. but hopefully Cassidee and Andrew are right and I get in!!! oh how amazing that would be

boys boys boys

boys... what can I say I love em even with the heartache and trouble they bring I prefer them over girls any day.... you can say I have had my fair share of boys the only thing is mine seem to all come at once there is Skylar,Joey,Eric,Chris and of course Andrew
Skylar, as time goes on and I meet other guys I see us just being friends we are very different in a lot of ways and our interests just arnt the same
Joey, AWWW Joey he is one of my latest issues... I would love nothing more but to be with Joey I am even totally OK with him wanting Nichole (because I know that will never happen) I wish he would make some kind of move to let me know he cares, even though he wants Nichole for the moment there is still something that draws me to him...the question is how long well I be willing to wait for him????
Eric,of course probely the hottest guy I have ever met I am so confused by him its not even funny I know he has feeling for me but fines Evey excuse in the book to not let me know... then turns around and makes me feel like everything between us can be OK and then not talk to me for months, not going to lie it hurt but it came to the point that I was done waiting so I have deleted his number and am trying to forget him... even though deep deep down I still wait.....
Chris, oh Chris (as in ashlyns Chris) I'm so happy that he got away from her but I didn't think that me being there and talking to him would draw him to me in a more than Friend way, I hated pulling the friend card on him because deep down I know that if him and ashlyn wernt him and ashlyn to that extreme and I wasn't so involved in it that I would so be attracted to him... he is still the perfect guy but I just cant bring myself to get over it....
Andrew, lol still my favorite person in the world although it seems like we don't talk nearly as often as I would like

Everyone has an interest or some sort weather its art, history, sports or anything along those lines but there is one particular interest that I am thinking of and that is music. Music can affect people like drugs it amazes me to see how much it can affect people it can completely change someone’s mood in 30 seconds to see the…passion that people have for it is insane to think how people devote there life to it how they are so inspired. How some one can sit with an instrument and tell stories and express there feelings more clearly than they ever could with words. I love that people feel this way, it brings the world together think about it people from all over the world peacefully no fighting no arguing no violence its mind blowing I am out of words to try to explain how completely amazing

why why why

So I’m laying here trying to figure out why the barrier around my heart is so high is it because I have had my heart broken or it from me seeing others get there heart broken or maybe its just I see so many bad relationships that im starting to think there aren’t any good ones out there. I think part of my problem is that im so worried about not being able to find some one who understands me or someone who is willing to try. when I see Joey I see a male version of me he is probably the only person I can look at and not even a guess at what he is thinking and I think that is the thing that draws me to him because when I look at him I see me I can guess what other people might think he is thinking but I know that he is thinking something completely different. I remember him talking about how he hate opening up to people weather it’s a girl or one of the guys and I just looked at him that just made me think that he could be the one who understand me and even more it made me want to know him what would he say if he saw this and does he think the same about me, he treats me differently than most other people just the way he looks at me it makes me feel like he is dying to tell me something but cant find the words and he is scared because like me he doesn’t know who he can trust, I wish there was some way I could read his mind. That would be AMAZING. But I don’t think that is going to happen anytime soon so I hope that something happens so that w can find out more about this person I call joey. I don’t think I can stress how much this kills me I can usually look and get to know someone just a little and have them figured out but for some reason with him I cant I have hung out with him more than once in all kinds of situations and heard others talk about him but for some reason I cant figure him out. It makes me wonder if this is what people think when they see me walking down the hall could this be the reason so many are intimidated by me simply because they cant read me….I wish I could change that I wish I could let the whole world see me like… well Andrew I still don’t know how he of all people just gets me but I am very thankful, think I am more of an Andrew to most people and I only have him sometimes I think its unfair but then I think about all the people who don’t have Andrews. If only I met a guy who I was attracted to who understood me like him I would be in heaven. I’m still young so hopefully I do but that is a whole another entry so I think ill stop here and tomorrow ill get to my thoughts on marriage.

family VS honesty

So I have come to the conclusion that one of the hardes things to balence in life is honesty and family. I mean we are always taught that we should be honest and on the other hand you always put family first so what do you do when you have to tell your cosin that she is a a stupid whore. I know I know thats a horriable thing to say but even though she is family how dose that make her any differnt form one of my friend or any random person. So my problem... should I tell her what I think or just keep my mouth when it comes to my pro and con list the shut your mouth side is longer and is filled with more reasons to make my life easier but the tell her side is filled with more its the right thing to do reasons. So I guess I will continue to compare list and see what happens

I must apologize I haven’t been here for a long time I’m been busy dealing with life and haven’t had time to think let alone blog but none the less I’m here now and I have a few thoughts for you guys… my first one has been bothering me for a long time now can some one please explain to me how people can be so manipulative what brings this to my mind you might ask the one and only Chris and Ashlyn. I don’t understand how people and I mean people in world can be so good and getting what they want and be so narrow minded and be so worried about themselves and what they want and what they can do to get it. And what I hate the most is when I think about the world in general from what I know its Americans who tend to have this way of thinking and we for some reason we think we have this upper hand to the rest of the world when really what is so different now granted we as a country we night have somewhat of an upper hand but instead of having the haha we are better that you attitude to the rest of the world we need to be thinking about how we can continue to improve as a country and how we fix our problems because if you ask me if we have people running to Mexico for their health care then we have some serous problems and along as we are in a war and our economy is crashing because we are so worried about how we can make our own life’s better. Now don’t get me wrong I know there are a lot of people out there who work there butts off to give us the life that we have and millions of people who are willing to give there life to protect our rights and safety I am thankful every second for them and it kills me to have people willing to do that and have some who sit on there butts and live off welfare and not do a thing for anyone else now I can go on forever about this but I think this is good for now well its off to the mall for Christmas shopping.