Hoping VS Embracing

This is something I wrote a while ago and just found on my computer...
So I have decided that its better to go through life embracing the things that make you happy not expecting them. Now if that’s true then that brings me to this question is there a difference between expecting and hoping/wishing? and if so what is it the difference between hoping/ wishing for something or someone to make you happy and expecting it…. The embracing part is easy if he wants to talk to me or hold my hand and kiss me that wonderful and I will love every second of if but hoping and wishing is I want to say to risky its like if I expect it to happen and it doesn’t happen then I end up getting hurt and isn’t that what my walls are suppose to be stopping….. He proves it “wishing is where u want it really bad and you’ll do anything for it… and expecting is when you know it will make you happy” it’s the wanting that gets you into trouble. When you want something so badly you’ll do anything for it that’s great when it comes to something that will make you happy but someone is different. What if you are willing to do whatever you have to get your happiness and the other person isn’t then what do you do… that is why to save your self heartache you don’t think to hard about anything you just go with the flow and enjoy whatever you get

just way to weird

Ok so we all know I dated Chris… yes Ashlyns Chris as if that wasn’t weird enough, I can handle that. But what I just cant get over is the reason we broke up is because he was “best friends” my friend Cassidee and wouldn’t talk to me about anything he always ran to her…. So a week after we broke up she calls me at work freaking out saying she needs to talk to me its important, so I take break and go talk to her (thinking that she was gonna die or someone was pregnant). And the first thing out of her mouth was “you can totally hit me if you want” ( and of course I laughed, because I never hit anyone) and at this point I just tell her to tell me… so she dose, she says her and Chirs kind of have “a thing” and it took everything I had not to laugh, I was just like ok… I need to know this why… I’m not stupid I knew what was going on. I just cant believe she did it, I mean I thought there was some kind of “girl code” that says you cant date your best friends ex…. Let alone take them from her. But anyways she acted like it was some big deal and I honestly didn’t care. Although if she only knew what people said about her for doing that, the general public of our small town didn’t take the news. I think everyone questioned their friendship with her after that. Even though I told them I really didn’t care.
But anyway back to the point I just could never get over how weird it was… I mean she did she think it was ok… granted I didn’t care the rest of the world did. But she would give me all these details (which is something I don’t do) like it was any guy. Why would she think I wanted to hear that. She thinks its completely normal. WHO DOSE THAT haha It honestly cracks me up to think she went about it the way she did. And now that they broke up she cant get over it and he has moved on just fine. I just don’t know what to say to her. She is keeps telling me I’m her best friend she needs me and wants to hang out ALL the time… its kinda creepy. Is this now friends are suppose to be I mean none of my close girl friends date, and I keep that part of my life to myself… (well except when I talk to Andrew) well surly I will never have to deal with something this weird again..

I am sorry for whoever just tried to message me.... I walked away from the computer for a few min... but thanks for the complement, hope to talk to you again

next chapter of life... I hope

So I have done the community collage thing it was just dandy, but it really wasn’t what I wanted, so I have to decided to up and move away from everything I know and love to go to culinary school. Yep im doing what is never done in the town I am from. For one there is no way I would be able focus on school and only school. I don’t want to feel obligated to baby sit for my mom or sister. And I don’t want to hear all the small town drama. And get lectures from all my friends every time I want to stay home and study or skip a party. I hate to see it but I don’t see any of my friends getting out of our small town ( like I say this is something that is said but never done). This is horrible to say I must admit but its true. The truth is I don’t feel bad saying it nobody but Andrew and Cassidee are truly excited for me and they really are the only ones who believe that I will. Now people don’t have to be excited to believe in me but God would it kill them to lie to me and at least pretend like they are. Everyone is entitled to their option but lets all keep in mind the if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all. I mean is it really necessary to tell me that “you’ll never make it you will come running home to mommy” or “ ya right you will never do it” or my personal favorite “your just doing it for attention” and believe it or not I didn’t tell anyone about my plan until I started applying for schools for the simple fact, that I figured this is how people would react so for all the people who think that’s the reason its clearly not! Any ways on happier note, I am outrageously excited like to the point I want to cry from excitement every time I think about it. Then I turn around and think what if I don’t get in then what will I do. But I guess I will just work on one plan at a time; and if it fails then I will worry about a plan B. but hopefully Cassidee and Andrew are right and I get in!!! oh how amazing that would be

boys boys boys

boys... what can I say I love em even with the heartache and trouble they bring I prefer them over girls any day.... you can say I have had my fair share of boys the only thing is mine seem to all come at once there is Skylar,Joey,Eric,Chris and of course Andrew
Skylar, as time goes on and I meet other guys I see us just being friends we are very different in a lot of ways and our interests just arnt the same
Joey, AWWW Joey he is one of my latest issues... I would love nothing more but to be with Joey I am even totally OK with him wanting Nichole (because I know that will never happen) I wish he would make some kind of move to let me know he cares, even though he wants Nichole for the moment there is still something that draws me to him...the question is how long well I be willing to wait for him????
Eric,of course probely the hottest guy I have ever met I am so confused by him its not even funny I know he has feeling for me but fines Evey excuse in the book to not let me know... then turns around and makes me feel like everything between us can be OK and then not talk to me for months, not going to lie it hurt but it came to the point that I was done waiting so I have deleted his number and am trying to forget him... even though deep deep down I still wait.....
Chris, oh Chris (as in ashlyns Chris) I'm so happy that he got away from her but I didn't think that me being there and talking to him would draw him to me in a more than Friend way, I hated pulling the friend card on him because deep down I know that if him and ashlyn wernt him and ashlyn to that extreme and I wasn't so involved in it that I would so be attracted to him... he is still the perfect guy but I just cant bring myself to get over it....
Andrew, lol still my favorite person in the world although it seems like we don't talk nearly as often as I would like

Everyone has an interest or some sort weather its art, history, sports or anything along those lines but there is one particular interest that I am thinking of and that is music. Music can affect people like drugs it amazes me to see how much it can affect people it can completely change someone’s mood in 30 seconds to see the…passion that people have for it is insane to think how people devote there life to it how they are so inspired. How some one can sit with an instrument and tell stories and express there feelings more clearly than they ever could with words. I love that people feel this way, it brings the world together think about it people from all over the world peacefully no fighting no arguing no violence its mind blowing I am out of words to try to explain how completely amazing

why why why

So I’m laying here trying to figure out why the barrier around my heart is so high is it because I have had my heart broken or it from me seeing others get there heart broken or maybe its just I see so many bad relationships that im starting to think there aren’t any good ones out there. I think part of my problem is that im so worried about not being able to find some one who understands me or someone who is willing to try. when I see Joey I see a male version of me he is probably the only person I can look at and not even a guess at what he is thinking and I think that is the thing that draws me to him because when I look at him I see me I can guess what other people might think he is thinking but I know that he is thinking something completely different. I remember him talking about how he hate opening up to people weather it’s a girl or one of the guys and I just looked at him that just made me think that he could be the one who understand me and even more it made me want to know him what would he say if he saw this and does he think the same about me, he treats me differently than most other people just the way he looks at me it makes me feel like he is dying to tell me something but cant find the words and he is scared because like me he doesn’t know who he can trust, I wish there was some way I could read his mind. That would be AMAZING. But I don’t think that is going to happen anytime soon so I hope that something happens so that w can find out more about this person I call joey. I don’t think I can stress how much this kills me I can usually look and get to know someone just a little and have them figured out but for some reason with him I cant I have hung out with him more than once in all kinds of situations and heard others talk about him but for some reason I cant figure him out. It makes me wonder if this is what people think when they see me walking down the hall could this be the reason so many are intimidated by me simply because they cant read me….I wish I could change that I wish I could let the whole world see me like… well Andrew I still don’t know how he of all people just gets me but I am very thankful, think I am more of an Andrew to most people and I only have him sometimes I think its unfair but then I think about all the people who don’t have Andrews. If only I met a guy who I was attracted to who understood me like him I would be in heaven. I’m still young so hopefully I do but that is a whole another entry so I think ill stop here and tomorrow ill get to my thoughts on marriage.

family VS honesty

So I have come to the conclusion that one of the hardes things to balence in life is honesty and family. I mean we are always taught that we should be honest and on the other hand you always put family first so what do you do when you have to tell your cosin that she is a a stupid whore. I know I know thats a horriable thing to say but even though she is family how dose that make her any differnt form one of my friend or any random person. So my problem... should I tell her what I think or just keep my mouth when it comes to my pro and con list the shut your mouth side is longer and is filled with more reasons to make my life easier but the tell her side is filled with more its the right thing to do reasons. So I guess I will continue to compare list and see what happens